These character profiles are for use in Review!: the Game. Just print them out, cut them up, and give one character to each player.

You're a middle-aged novelist fallen from esteem, trying to make a comeback. Bald, bearded, a little vain. You want desperately to seem up-to-date and quash rumours of drunken racism, and shrug off the reputation you developed in the 90s as a younger, less talented hanger-on to the Amis-Barnes crowd. You're secretly very cross never to have made the Booker shortlist.

You get a point every time you:

• Mention your new book
• Mention an artist under 30 who is not a white male

A talking head (or "cultural commentator", to the polite). In the 90s you were on a Granta best-young-writers list without having published anything, and had an infamous fling with a conceptual artist that ended when you smashed open his case of preserved squid. More recently, you opened a "nightclub for the arts" called Bureaucracy; nobody is quite sure how you funded it, or why it hasn't yet gone bankrupt.

This is your first appearance on the show, and you're pretty nervous. Your background is in botany, and you became a surprise hit with the viewers when you appeared on a popular gardening show; but you're shy and confused by your newfound status as heartthrob to the allotment classes.

After recovering from a drug-fuelled screen career that began in your early teens, you've struggled to be taken seriously. Your appearance on Review! may be key to rehabilitating your image, so you're keen to impress and to sound knowledgeable. However, you swear a lot and tend towards the outspoken, never trying to hide the excesses of your past.

Turner-prize nominee famous for work involving nudity and flame trousers. You take yourself very seriously, and prefer abstractions to the concrete; but you're also very enthusiastic about craftsmanship. You built the flame trousers yourself, damn it, and you despise artists who farm out the actual construction of their work.

You've got three PhDs and you're halfway through a fourth, but when it comes to the arts you're easily bored. Above all else, you value fun. You know a lot about pretty much everything, sure, but you'd rather rush through all that tedious knowledge and discuss the really great costume made of tinsel, or how they managed to get all that water on stage.

You're a dancer and choreographer, but your company - though innovative and widely-praised - is struggling for funding. You disapprove of the resources put behind massive cultural institutions, and the fact that you receive little public money makes you feel comfortable in expressing that. You therefore tend towards the iconoclastic, and infamously described the Royal Opera House as "good for nothing, except sometimes when you're in Covent Garden and need somewhere nice to have a piss".